20. Wait, what happened? Holy crap. Move the troops out!
19. Plan B is my main bitch.
18. What if it doesn’t work? Can I see this man being the father of my child?
17. Oh, no. No, this is bad.
16. I wonder if the baby will have my eyes…lucky little f**ker.
15. But what if he gets his nose? Oh God, I’ll have to start saving up for rhinoplasty so my kid isn’t forever the school Gonzo. That’ll really ruin my shot at affording a boob job.
14. That’s going to ruin my life, considering this baby will destroy my already less-than-stellar jugs.
13. I should just watch some TV to get my mind off of this.
12. Why does it seem like Knocked Up is on every channel? This is God saying that I suck.
11. I’ll just read some Cosmo while I paint my nails and drink wine.
10. Wait, you can’t drink if you’re pregnant. I haven’t been sober on a Friday night in years. Is this what 9pm really looks like?
9. Hold on, I’m probably not pregnant. Maybe I can chance it. But I probably shouldn’t or I’ll forever blame my kid’s ADD on this beverage.
8. Has it been two weeks yet? I’m buying that test and a gallon of something to drink.
7. It’s negative!
6. But what if I didn’t wait long enough!?
5. Another week of agony. I guess I should start picking out baby names.
4. Or maybe I’ll get ready to share the big news with the father.
3. This planned talk with him makes me feel like I’m brainstorming a eulogy about my pre-preggo life. This is so depressing. I hate penis.
2. OK, another week later and it’s still negative! Best day of my life, but geez that was stressful.
1. OMG I’M GONNA TEXT THE GIRLS SO WE CAN CELEBRATE WITH BINGE DRINKING AND BAD DECISIONS. #YOLO!